Lord, much as i wanted to get married. Much as i wanted to find someone whom i love and loved by. But Lord, I prayed that I won't get into the trap of desperation and find myself the first one who tells me she love me...But I know I will fall for the bait by that.. may not be satan or the devil just myself...

Lord, much as i still wanted to serve in the music ministry. I prayed that I will serve with a pure heart and not a heart that wants to show off because you are a God who will humble the self exalt and exalt those who humbles themselves....

Lord, I prayed that I can see progress and improvement in my life. Improvement in my comptency of my work that i can find favour in my boss' eyes...that i can be useful in this company...

Lord I pray that you can keep me pure in my spirit and heart. That i can obey your word and commandments. That i will seek peace in all that i can and be a testimony pleasing in your eyes....

I should admit that I was toying with the idea of setting up a family with a non Christian. But by God's grace, He does not let it happen, possibly because i am not an attractive person, and also that i am not a matured person.

I pray to God that if He forbids, that he would give me a family that I would worship together on a the row in a church. I think that will be my most happiest day in my life. If not, then it is okay. I will not toy with the idea of dating a non Christian again.

Big Brother watching

What is the use of putting survellence cameras in lifts? Okay i get the security part, but having a monitor? I do not get it. It is like making everyone a peeping tom legally.

This is a picture taken when i was on my piano lesson at Nancy's house. The town council had it for a couple of weeks already. The monitor show the views of 3 lifts from time to time and i do not get it why you need a monitor outside the lift. it is just too much already, i feel my privacy is been intruded by this.

TAFEP Recent Advertisment

The picture above is the advertisment put up by the Tripartite Alliance for Fair Employment Practices. (TAFEP)

One of the 5 principles that TAFEP advocates includes: "Recruit and select employees on the basis of merit, such as skills, experience and ability, regardless of age, race, gender, religion or family status. "

I was reading the advertisement and was amused by the human formation of the word "skill". Notice the letter "K", which was formed by 2 man butt touch each other. Seems like TAFEP should also include in their 5 principles, regardless of their sexual orientation as well.

Not that i support the gay right movement, but just that i find this advertisement amusing and i wondered how does the 2 men felt when they are forming the letter K. Also, if the advertiser had no intention of promoting gay rights, then he (or she) should be more sensitive in forming the letter K since their more ways to form than this.

I had to admit that my faith is shaken badly after Linda left. Not that i had made her the ultimate thing in my life, but it is just that I felt I should not have done that onto myself.
Constantly, I felt God's wrath and anger to me than his love. I see no hope in my life, no direction that motivates me to live on. And i know i really cannot die because i will be heading to hell. if there is no life after death, then death may be very attractive to me.
i know should have said this. Everyday, i see the hypocrisy of Man doing things in the name of God, and i am sick by it. News coming in talking about self righteous Christians commiting various hideous crimes while the waywards group like the gay and lesbians appear to be more moral than them, just makes me sick.
why is this world turning this way? why can't i be a Bible beliving, rational, believe in micro evolution, support empirical scientific truth, support abortion due to medical reasons both on the baby and the mother, that allow gays and lesbians so long as they are no Christians, love the environment, recycle, drive an electric car? why do Christians have to subscribe to package of beliefs? can they pick and choose?
In this era, i find it very difficult to identify myself as a rational Christians.

Felt very far away from God. I cannot felt His presence, I cannot felt His love and protection. Circumstances did not improve, I still cannot find a permanent job, I still have not found a girl that i love. I am still finacially not independent enough. I am still feel that i am under the care of my parent. very tired.....

If Times are bad, go full time (as from sunday's sermon)

Speaking of which, i am grateful of today message. i learn that

- you do not end up doing the very thing that you study
- resumes are the most inefficient way of securing a job, networking is.
- asking God about my mission, master and my mate.
- knowing who God is and what is his purpose for my life.

His purpose? I really do not know. I do feel alive when i am teaching guitar to the people who are learning from me. But i am faced with the issues:

- do i really want to teach?
- i do not have the qualifications to teach guitar.

there are times where i really want to be a teacher and organise a guitar club within the school and hopefully come out with a band somewhat like the movie "School of Rock" where you make youngsters know their dreams and aspirations and use their energies to something useful. i envision that as something exciting and exhilarating. but so many times, i heard of stories about school disciplines and how bad their students are and how many teachers got into depression and stuffs like that. i have work in a school before and i also tell myself before not to be a teacher. but there is a inner prompting in my heart that keep on nagging me to go to teaching.

then again i ask myself do i have the moral capacity to guide and lead the students? Do i have the drive to motivate them to study and improve their grades? Do i have the energies to keep up with them? Do i have the wisdom to outsmart them? Do i have the humility to learn from them?

i really confused.... seeing my friends dealing with unreasonable parents scolding them, hearing them complaining about their workload and unreasonable time schedules and also seeing them bringing papers to mark here and that, i really wonder whether it is worth while plunging in the field. but i am really afraid that i might not make it and i am really scared.

side issues
was reading Ruth this week because i told someone to read it, was asking God what i supposed to do. maybe we got into it to early, i have not consider her feelings enough that got us into this. i should have waited and believe that if this is God's will, then He will not fail me. Just like in the book of Ruth, where providence of God take the centre stage in this story. I should have believe that God will carve a way out, whenBoaz did not take Ruth immediately but instead confronted the rightful kinsman Redeemer before he takes Ruth, knowing full well that he might lose Ruth in the process if the kinsman decide to redeem her. i should have done that, placing that kind of trust and faith in God that He will make a way for me in this area and also other aspects of my life like my career.